Managing Workplace Conflicts

We've all been there. Everyone at one time or another has experienced conflict in the workplace. Whether it's a boss telling you that you can't have time off, or a colleague undermining you in a meeting, that familiar knot of frustration builds in your stomach as you contemplate your next move.

The biggest secret in managing personal strife is to understand that all conflicts start inside us. The best way to reduce discord is to start with a candid assessment of ourselves before embarking on a crusade to change somebody else or save the world.

So how do you deal with conflict? There are five typical options: avoidance, accommodation, confrontation, compromise or collaboration. No one method is right for every situation. Each method has its merits and its pitfalls. The key is finding the one most suitable by understanding what's going on inside you.

Avoidance: Not addressing the conflict by sidestepping the issue, postponing talking about it, or withdrawing from the interaction. This is a stalling tactic that buys time but offers no permanent solution. Conflict smolders under the surface waiting to re-ignite at often unpredictable moments.

Accommodation: Neglecting your own concerns to satisfy someone else's. This ranges from selfless generosity to cowardly surrender. When you take this path you need to honestly ask yourself if accommodating others constitutes a potentially harmful pattern of behavior. Are you the kind of person that instinctively follows the path of least resistance in your relationships? Or, is accommodation in particular situations a case where deference really is the best solution? That's the question.

Confrontation: Standing up for your own rights, defending your side of an issue, or using your power and will to prevail. It's important not to get pushed around, but when you decide to confront others do you listen or just shout? Are your confrontations opportunities to solve problems or indulgences that satisfy personal needs?

Compromise: Finding a middle ground that partially satisfies both parties by splitting the difference. Watch out! Sometimes with fifty-fifty solutions both people feel they've lost and are just waiting for the next go around. How easy is it for you to compromise? Are the solutions you reach fair to both parties?

Collaboration: Working in partnership to explore the reasons for the disagreement, learn from each other and come to optimum solutions for both parties. This method helps you arrive at the most enduring solutions. But be careful of hidden agendas. Are you willing to work together to reach a long term solution that is in everyone's best interest?

Think about the last conflict that you were involved in. Ask yourself how did you react, and why did you react the way you did?

Were you accommodating because you felt that you needed to defer to the boss, or were you confrontational? Was it effective? What would you have done differently?

Recognizing how we react to conflict can drastically change the way we handle it in the future. As Thomas Crum says in The Magic of Conflict: "The daily struggles and conflicts are still there. It is our relationship to them that can be totally different. Instead of seeing the rug being pulled out from under us, we can learn to dance on a shifting carpet. The stumbling blocks of the past magically become stepping stones to the future."

The fiery energy generated when two people are angry has the potential for great damage or positive creation, just as the sparks which shower from two stones struck together can ignite a raging inferno or warming campfire. By understanding all of our options before we react in a conflict, we can control those sparks to help us shine brighter than ever before.